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Ave, lector!




Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, on to our REAL subject!


1. Aliens!

2. Your fascination with building houses of cards.

3.  The indoor barbecue that you had installed last week.

4.  Your extensive collection of stuffed wallabies.

5.  Your extensive collection of live wallabies.

6.  Your usage of cheap glassware as a burglar alarm by the door and windows.

7.  Your designated bagpipe practice hour of 2:30 AM.

8.  The home theater system/alarm clock that wakes you up for class every day by playing “Dynamite” at 220 decibels.

9.  The shrunken heads your grandpa Boethius keeps sending in the post.

10.  The shark pit.

11.  Your decision to plant moss on the floor and walls to “make the room into a rainforest.”

12.  Your not entirely unrelated decision to pour dirt and bromeliads into your roomate’s bed and release no fewer than seventy-three live chameleons into the room.

13. The impromptu game of “I Spy” that takes place when one of the chameleons eats your roomate’s organic chemistry project and you must figure out not only where they all are, but which one was responsible.

14.  Your equestrian habits.

15. PCP.

16.  Your meth lab.

17.  The life-size nude poster of John Stuart Mill hanging on your wall.

18.  Your habit of sleepwalking around the room each night at midnight while playing your bagpipes.

19.  Having his or her socks stolen by one of your wallabies.

20. The necessity of wearing goggles to keep the crickets (introduced to feed the chameleons and now thriving) from sucking the moisture from his or her eyes while sleeping.

21. Your habit of graphing his or her academic and social success on a massive coordinate plane, updated triweekly.

22. The obnoxious floral print on the curtains.

23.  The frequent battles between wallabies and chameleons that last well into the night.

24.  Your snoring.


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