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Ave, lector. 

It’s Wednesday.

IT’S “ET CETERA,” NOT “ETC CETERA.” THERE IS NO C IN THE FIRST PART.

ALSO.

Ergo is LATIN.  It means THEREFORE, or could be interpreted as HENCE.  ERGO, when you are writing a paper and use ERGO in the wrong way to seem intellectual, YOU ARE NOT DOING YOURSELF FAVORS.

CAPS LOCK.

I think it’s time to introduce my new theory on life.

It is as follows.

ANY PROBLEM CAN BE SOLVED VIA JUDICIOUS USAGE OF GIANT ORBITAL LASERS. 

You may think “But Tor! This is MADNESS!”

My response would be “NOT AS MUCH AS YOU THINK.”

Let’s look for a problem.

GLOBAL WARMING?

Use a GIANT ORBITAL LASER COOLING SYSTEM to lower the Earth’s temperature!

World hunger?

Use GIANT ORBITAL LASERS to eliminate needless population centers, thus lowering the overall quantity of food required to feed the human race!

Vision problems?

Look up at the sky, open your eyes wide, and give your local GIANT ORBITAL EYE SURGERY LASER CENTER a phone call!

SO THAT’S WEDNESDAY.

WHAT ELSE IS NEW.

WELL.

LET’S TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS  LASERS.

Lasers are wonderful things.

There is pretty much nothing you cannot accomplish with a sufficiently large laser array. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and make that a law.

Tor’s Second Law: There is nothing you cannot accomplish with a sufficiently large laser array.

Seriously.

Lasers can be used to slow down or agitate subatomic particles (and by extension atoms!).  They can set things on fire, or be used to conduct electricity.  A laser array could serve instead of power lines, although it would be more dangerous and SIGNIFICANTLY MORE AWESOME.

Lasers can be used to pick up vibrations and thus register sound.  They can scan carefully coded pits in plastic disks and thus create sound.  They can be used to illustrate specific sections of a PowerPoint or to kill a man at a thousand yards. They have been incorporated into missile defense systems and medical technology.  They can (in some cases) cure blindness, or (in many cases) cause it. They can scan things and produce a three-dimensional map OR set things on fire.

Lasers are awesome.

IN OTHER NEWS, for some reason EYEBROW MITES CAME UP IN CONVERSATION.

I have decided to inform you that EYEBROW MITES are the reason YOUR EYEBROWS ARE SO NEATLY SHAPED.  Ever find little eyebrow/eyelash hairs in your eye? They’re there because the EYELASH MITES TRIM THEM WHEN THEY GROW UNSIGHTLY.

Notice how if you burn your eyebrows, it takes a long time for them to grow back (if they do at all).  This is because EYEBROW MITES are NOT FANS OF SLASH-AND-BURN AGRICULTURE.  They farm SUSTAINABLE eyelashes or DO NOT FARM AT ALL.  IN ADDITION, the families of mites that farmed those particular sections of eyebrow MAY HAVE ALL DIED OFF, creating lots of LEGAL TROUBLE for the survivors before ANYONE can claim the area and BEGIN TO RE-FARM.

NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT JUMPING SPIDERS. 

I think that jumping spiders are QUITE POSSIBLY the SINGLE GREATEST THING EVER CREATED.

Every single aspect of them is WONDERFUL.  NOT ONLY are they clever, adaptable predators, NOT ONLY do they have highly accurate eyesight, NOT ONLY do they FOLLOW YOUR MOVEMENTS and TURN TO WATCH YOU GO BY, but they are (a) VENOMOUS and (b) CUTE AND FLUFFY.

ISN’T HE PRECIOUS?

For this reason, any day on which I see a jumping spider, even in passing, is thus dubbed THE BEST DAY EVER.

LET’S TALK ABOUT THAT FOR A MOMENT.

YOU SEE:

Some people might say that in order to proclaim something THE BEST DAY EVER, you might have to have some kind of momentous event.  Like, say, CURING HICCUPS, inventing MILK THAT WILL NEVER BECOME LUKEWARM, SAVING AN ENDANGERED SPECIES or PROVING MIND/BODY DUALISM.

I disagree with this.

In fact, I will propose a law unto you, internets. This law is universal, meaning although it is formed in the frame of an I-statement ANYONE CAN APPLY IT TO THEIR LIFE.  In fact, I rather wish more people shared this point of view.

ANY DAY on which I AM CURRENTLY ALIVE is WITHOUT DOUBT the BEST DAY EVER. 

Because it is THE DAY IN WHICH I AM LIVING.

Because IN EACH DAY THERE IS THE POTENTIAL FOR A COMPLETE METAMORPHOSIS, for an upheaval of thought and action that can CHANGE A LIFE.  It may not be yours, and it may not be easy, but THE POTENTIAL IS ALWAYS THERE.

So WHY ARE YOU INSIDE READING THE INTERNETS on this MOST BESTEST OF DAYS?

GO FORTH AND CONQUER!

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